Let me paint you a picture of the last two years. To truly understand this story, we need to start at the beginning, not halfway through.
Two years ago, I began feeling an intense pressure starting to build. At first, I did what I always do: push it down, ignore it and move on. This has been the usual Modus Operandis that I have employed as long as I can remember. But this time, it was different.
When God Entered My life
A few years prior, God entered my life in the most unmistakable way. One day I barely knew He existed, and the next- POOF– there He was. He has never left my side since, just as his word says: “I will never leave you nor forsake you“.
When the pressure began building two years ago, His Presence made all the difference. Now listen. I tried my best to run. Seriously. I tried going back to my old habits of ignoring the buzzing thoughts. That didn’t work. I tried reasoning with the voices in my head. Nope. Didn’t work either. I tried ignoring God. Big mistake.
I even thought about drinking again-a lot (the thinking, not the drinking). Thank God, I didn’t go down that road.
Seeking Help
Eventually, I went to the doctor about a year later. My mental state was a mess and I couldn’t concentrate at all. And as an entrepreneur and freelancer, no work means no pay, which only added to the pressure. Alas, so the cycle started. The therapist indicated that I was suffering from something called melancholia and that I needed more extended help.
Medication was introduced as I wasn’t sleeping, and I felt stuck. Unfortunately, the pills made things worse. So after one night of battling demons, I decided I’d had enough and flushed them down the drain. Good riddance!
But the depression didn’t magically disappear. So come December, during the festive times (about a year ago) I made a decision: it was time to seek God again.
Finding God again
Up till then, I was not really going to church. But first quarter of 2023 that changed and I found a church family. Great my surprise when I deeply connected with two church members. It turned out we were following the same prophet. God had plans I had no notion of at that time. Plans that only now are visible. But I digress.
And so it began. August 2023 we started traveling to the prophet’s church. It would have been a nice ending right here, don’t you think? That I went to see the prophet (maybe once or twice) and that I was healed and lived happily ever after?
Nope. Think again. The first few times visiting the church, were a flood of tears. I cried so much and so hard that it’s a miracle I didn’t run out of moisture! Slowly, the burden I was carrying started lifting. It was through this process I got to know myself on a much deeper level.
God does not do things halfway. If we give Him permission to shape our lives, to mold our futures, He works from a perspective we can’t see – a helicopter view of our existence. It will not be like you would want it to be, but leaning in was what I did.
Pressure
I wish I could tell you that the process was easy and smooth, but that would be a lie. In reality, I hated every step of it. The pressure I mentioned earlier? It only intensified. The more I refused to look in the mirror and confront the truth, the heavier that pressure became.
It didn’t lessen as long as I kept my head held high, with pride, pretending I was still “standing.” But if I’m being honest, I wasn’t standing at all. I was just clinging to the old version of myself, thinking that by protecting my heart, I was somehow protecting myself. But it wasn’t about protecting my heart from the world—it was about keeping my heart guarded from God.
But God!
And then, it clicked in my head! During a trip for a conference, I started re-reading a book called “What’s so Amazing about Grace“. That book reshaped my understanding about God completely.
I realized that I do not deserve anything at all that God is giving me – yet, He gives it anyway! Life, breath, health, provision – not like I would want to all the time, but always enough. One major lesson is that being neutral about receiving said Grace is a crucial element for me to master.
It was during the trip, I made a few decisions, that I didn’t know I had the power to make.
- Take life one day at the time.
- I am going to believe this one truth: God is my Creator.
- Saying “yes” to opportunities that come my way. Cease having internal arguments with messages which have a clear and positive meaning. Make the effort to look for the positive.
- Stay neutral. Ask, but stay neutral in HOW the question is answered.
- Be thankful. Even if I don’t have anything that I can see with my naked eye, say thank you. Because in the end, because of the Grace that God has shown me… what other words are there?
Relationships and letting go
In this last year, I have changed. A whole buncha lot. And by the end of September I cut ties with everyone because I just couldn’t handle stringing even two sentences together. It was a tough decision, but it was one that I absolutely had to make. I love my friends. With all my heart. And I hope that they know this in their heart too. I needed space to heal.
Letting go brought freedom that I didn’t realize I needed. No more explaining my decisions or seeking validation. It wasn’t about others—it was about breaking my own habit of trying to please everyone.
A message of Hope
Now, why am I telling you this? I am telling you all this in the hopes that if you are in need of hope, know that it is there. When you are down in the dumps you may think that for you there isn’t. But God is no respector of persons. What He does for me, so will He do for you, and much much more. And, as our works are filthy rags in front of Him, the one thing we can lean on is His Grace. Nothing else. Absolutely nothing else.
If you’re struggling, please seek help. And if you feel I can shed light on your situation, don’t hesitate to reach out.
We are children of God. It’s time to stand up and embrace that truth.
So get up, dust yourself off, even if it’s for today. Tomorrow will take care of itself. Okay?
Let’s go people!
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