For a while now, I have been struggling with depression. That sentence on its own already has a lot of weight, and while writing it I am wondering if I even should be so open about this. I AM a mother after all, a business owner, a God fearing woman so… How on earth is that possible?
For almost equal amount of time I have wondered if it is a chemical imbalance, or if I am plagued by demons or if I am ‘simply’ overwhelmed by it all. Balancing life, career, following Christ and everything in between. Not in that order by the way. And what is also important: what can I actively DO about this?
Let me tackle being chemically imbalanced first, as probably that’s the easiest one to “prove scientifically”. Having gone through three officially diagnosed burn outs, having had different medications which transformed me into functioning zombies at these times, numerous tests (blood and otherwise) and even more numerous psychologists’- and psychiatrists’ treatments, I think I may rule out this theory. Even if its by rule of elimination. Please note, that I am merely telling you my experience. Mine might not be the same as yours, kindly keep that in mind.
Next up, is it as simple as being overwhelmed? Note that the word simple here is sarcastically used as there is nothing simple in this journey.
Which reminds me… What does the phrase actually mean: struggling with depression? Gentle reminder here: I’m telling you of my own experience.
The thing that has been identified that plagues me in my case is low self esteem, to the point where it becomes crippling. Imposter syndrome comes to visit, voice(s) in my head telling me how unworthy I really am, convinced at times of having no purpose in life, feelings of rejection and so on. The biggest thing that doesn’t seem to let go, is the overwhelming sense of gloom and doom. Everything is dark even on the most sunniest of days.
Is it being overwhelmed then? Can it be cured by bringing structure into my life, saying no more often, looking for the balance of work and life? This has been my go-to method now for years, and I can honestly say that having structure helps. A lot. The moment I step away from the structure which is put in place, the negativity gets a bigger grip on my mind whereby it’s easy to go back under. Is it therefore the answer to battling the voices in my head and the rest mentioned earlier? Unfortunately, no. It’s a helping hand in steadying my daily steps. Am I overwhelmed? I don’t think I am that either because there are times in which there are no projects, kids are away and so there is ample time to get rest (still within the structure!), and taking it easy.
Now to delve into the ‘last’ opted option: is it demonic? Do they follow me around or … Gasp! It’s just my mind trying to tell me otherwise?
I will talk about this option in a next post, because to answer that question there are more things that need to be put on the table first.
Rest me to say this. Going through this phase, in my experience, is really a battle between choosing the light versus leaning into the ever present darkness. It is ‘easier’ to accept the darkness, as, don’t forget that gravity always assists in pulling down. I haven’t found the key yet, but trust me when I say this: I will find it. And when I do, there is no stopping me to live out the life that God ordained for me.
So watch out. I am coming out.
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