This morning I woke up with a song in my heart. “The Lord bless you, and keep you. Make His face shine upon you and be gracious to you. The Lord turns His face towards you and give you peace!”
That song is taken word for word out of the Bible: Numbers 6:24-26. Peculiar, that this is my morning message, but at the same time… Spot on!
Yesterday, I think, I have been ‘hit’. Come to think about it, it started earlier than that. Last week there was something I needed to face. Old patterns and old belief systems which no longer are applicable to my life as it is today. Thoughts like “I don’t matter” or “you will always remain there in the gutter” etcetera came back to the surface. I sincerely thought that as those times of thinking like this were passed.
Then yesterday rolls around. I attributed my unease with the fact that there is so much I am unearthing every day, that of course it is overwhelming. So of course there might be an off day.
Then I listen in on a women’s group where the lady speaks on loneliness. Boom. Small ache inside gets just a little amplified. I shrug it off. And as a tip she says to immerge into The Word. Get closer to Jesus in this time. She also says something that is whispering like crazy in my heart. “It sounds counterintuitive, because say what now? Going deeper into the Word?” And she said to trust, that this is the way to become a high value woman.
A high value woman? I wonder and ponder about this. Here I am also showcasing that I have trust issues because what do you think my thought process was about this particular point? “Listen Linda, on this tiny island there already are zero to no men. Zilch. So to change myself to a high value woman, you really want me to stay alone, right?” And, confession moment here: the thought written here was a toned down version 😂.
So, being Christmas time and all, the kids had their Christmas dinner yesterday night. Dropped them off and when picking them up, I sat down on the playground waiting for the time to pass. A group of aginaldo was playing fun songs, parents were walking back and fro and without warning, an immense sadness surrounded me. Even shed a hidden tear. Sitting there I’m analyzing this. What is happening? What is this? Was it mine this sadness or was it someone else’s whose I happened to pick up? No answer there.
Lo and behold. Exactly 4AM I wake up today, and my heart is heavy. There are tools that now I will have to apply to see if they work. Because if there is one thing I know for a fact. Back there, I do not want to go. I do not belong there. So it is up to me to catch the pitfalls, identify them in order to not fall into the trap.
First order of business today, is being vigilant who I speak to, what topic of discussion and what type we are going to have AND finding my one joy thing of today.
I’ll report back on another day how it went. But for now, I wish you a joy filled day, together with the Face of the Lord being turned towards you!
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